As a Gen X financial planner, I’ve spent years helping clients design their financial futures and embrace its emotional layers. One challenge that spans generations–Boomers to Gen Z– is what’s known as the “sandwich generation” effect. Whether you’re in an “open-face sandwich” caring for parents or relatives or a “full sandwich” with responsibilities for both older and younger generations, the financial and emotional tug-of-war can be overwhelming. We live in real-time the saying, “Twice a child, once an adult.”
The transition into the “second-child phase” for aging parents often reflects a slow decline in their physical and cognitive abilities. Deciding the who and where of caregiving over possibly a decade or longer generates family strife even with the most unified families. With 77% of people over 50 desire to age in place, according to the 2021 AARP Home and Community Preferences Survey, the desire of aging relatives to stay in their homes as they grow older doesn’t often materialize due to a mix of reasons—time, resources, safety, or relationships. This leads them to reside in continuing care, assisted living care, or nursing care communities against their wishes.
On a Sunday afternoon, I attempted to unwind from these challenging situations by watching something “light” on Netflix. Of course, I ended up binging A Man on the Inside, a comedy-drama show about a widower named Charles who becomes an undercover investigator–at a senior living community of all places! The series brought to “light” the complex realities of radically accepting and mending broken promises and relationships among caregivers and aging family members.
Broken Promises of Aging in Place
In the series, Charles (played by Ted Danson) recalls promising his late wife she would spend her dying days at home. Her struggle with dementia took a heavy toll on Charles. He later confessed to Emily, his daughter, that he had prepared to move her mother into a care community, but she died the day before move. Charles’ promise remained unbroken—out of fate.
The reality is that dementia, which affects 13.1% of U.S. adults aged 85 and older according to the Diagnosed Dementia in Adults Age 65 and Older: United States, 2022, can make aging in place unsafe—even in the most supportive environments. From leaving stoves on to wandering outside, cognitive decline poses significant risks that untrained, overburdened family caregivers find difficult to manage.
Broken parent-adult child Relationships
Charles’ fellow community resident, Calbert, wrestled with consistently changing community residences based on his son’s job relocations. When Charles asked Calbert if he would follow his son to Singapore, Calbert responded, “Maybe. I could also move to the moon. I know the same number of people on the moon as I do in Singapore.” Calbert’s son’s failed promises to visit influenced Calbert’s decision to stay at Pacific View Retirement Residence and enjoy his caring community.
Charles also discovered the broken relationship between fellow Pacific View resident, Mrs. Helen Cubbler, and her son, Mr. Cubbler, who funded an investigation of Mrs. Cubbler’s missing jewelry at Pacific View. Although the case was solved, Mr. Cubbler unjustly accused Pacific View of being “rotten.” Charles confronted Mr. Cubbler about his lack of visitation during the 30-day investigation period, not even on Mrs. Cubbler’s birthday. Mr. Cubbler retaliated saying, “I’m very busy”, and that he “hired [Charles] to find a necklace and not play ‘armchair therapist’.”
In both Calbert’s and Mrs. Cubbler’s cases, their adult children's priorities reflect a pattern many families face: strained relationships, resentment, and missed opportunities for connection.
Mending Broken promises and Relationships across generations
The relationship between Charles and Emily reflected the strain of not having hard, emotional conversations throughout their relationship. When it came to caregiving for Charles’ wife and Emily’s mom, Charles didn’t want to burden Emily with his feelings and stress, which caused Emily to feel even more stressed and disconnected. Over time, they addressed their miscommunication, culminating in moments of healing and unity as they sorted through Emily’s mother’s belongings together.
As with investing, it’s best to start early and contribute often with long-term care planning as well. Starting early and contributing regularly involves conversations about goals, values, and available supporting resources. Important topics include:
● Desired lifestyles for aging parents.
● Realistic resources (time, money, and energy) available for care.
● The health and depth of family relationships to support caregiving decisions.
Although these conversations may not always lead to perfect agreement, they allow for clarity on what each person is willing to give and receive, ultimately bridging the gaps in long-term care expectations across generations.